Friday, February 15, 2008

Dogs

Now, I'm a dog lover. The worst kind, cause I have nothing but contempt for the enemy. The cat that is.
There's a cat lover in my office. She's a girl. They usually are. The worst kind as well.
We try and trip each other in the hallway, throw darts at the others thumbnail pic, snarl and float rumours in office about each other. Anything that can pass HR's radar really. As you can see, somewhere down the line it moved away from the dog cat argument.

Today though, she sent this. I think she's trying to get back to the old ways.
But that means I need to have a wittier response ready. Fuck. Just when I was getting really good at tripping her.

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DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


CAT DIARY
Day 983 of MY CAPTIVITY.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

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13 comments:

a-live said...

:)) hilarious diary entries! I was about to fall off my chair readin them! I am an animal lover, but am neither with you or her in this case. I love both dogs and cats. Weird, but true!

Aurora said...

I HATE cats. Loathe them. They are God's trick to remind you that there is still evil in this world that we must protect ourselves from.

Aurora said...

Erm I'm hungover. If that explains the level of animosity.

CrazyDiamond said...

@a-live: we are aware of your kind as well. The cat lover and I regularly provide chocolates to woo them over to respective sides. I also offer massages.


@aurora: yes yes, yes yes, yes yes. Drink up.

a-live said...

@ CD: hmm.. chocolates sound extremely tempting!I might just consider the offer! :)
But, I am not too keen on the massage, unless the masseur is cute! :P

Aurora said...

Why do you sound so jealous? You spend every weekend in a drunken stupor like I do anyway. It is the only way to be!

Arvind said...

You might as well give up..
She clearly has you beat..

I'm a cat lover, but I don't hate dogs.. I definitely don't love them either..

In other news, is this 'cat person' also hot, as an added advantage?
In which case, you know whose side I'm definitely taking.. ;)

CrazyDiamond said...

@a-live: well see, I decide to give the massage and unfortunately it works the other way...the massagee has to be cute.

@Aurora: Jealous? What now?

@Arvind: Its ok, nobody's perfect mate. :).
She's ok as far as cat lovers go.

Aurora said...

Oh Shaddapp. I was just thinking randomly, you should make a trip down to my City. I owe you a few drinks from December anyway. And I need new people to get drunk with, and you are sorta fun when you are drunk.

Or wait, let me rephrase that. You are sorta fun when I'm drunk. :PPPP

a-live said...

@ CD: the masseur's loss, totally! :P I might just consider going over to the cat lover's side.
Ooh, I love it when I can manipulate people when they need me..heehee! Adieu then, dog lover!

utopia said...

was the earlier post a true story? i was looking for answers and i happened to bump into ur blog and and this post. sounds so stoopid but it gave me hope. something as silly as Vaseline gave me hope.

CrazyDiamond said...

@ Aurora: Yeah man, I need a vacation desperately. Your city huh. The one that you're done with?Ok done. I shall get my red paint and you should know that I take my drinks with interest. A lot of it.

Also...sigh.
Girl, I told you that post went to your head!

@ a-live: hmmmmm

@ utopia: I suppose it could be called true. Its but perspective, isn't it?
So is hope.
*background music, probably beethoven, plays*

Aurora said...

Get black paint dude, black! Tsk, silly boy never remembers anything.

And useless you are, you didn't even get my joke. I wasn't saying I'm fun when I'm drunk, I was saying you are only fun when I'm drunk. Hope you get it now. Sigh.