Sunday, April 27, 2008

Irish Blood, English Heart

“Simply press the button, wait for the beep, blow into the unit, and within seconds the LCD displays a precise digital percentile readout of your Blood Alcohol Content (BAC). An entire test takes less than 10 seconds.”

Saturday night. 2 guys. 1 bar. Copious amounts of alcohol. 1 Breath analyser to bring it all together.

Guy1: “It says here level 0.02 means you’re beyond the drinking & driving limit and I know level 0.12 is when you get into coma.”

Guy2: “ Well then, I think 0.08 is a good limit to aim for”

Guy1: “Perfect. Bartender, we’ll start with 2 Irish Carbombs, followed by 2 large Glenn on the rocks and then we’ll think of something.”

Guy2: “You know, I think I read a book once where this guy had a wicked experience with a breath analyser once.”

Guy1: “Man, you read way too much. People who write about breath analyser’s are obviously retarded...ah here come the irish.”

1 hour later. After attempting many BAC counts and sharing breath analyser with anyone who would talk to us (surprisingly, a breath analyser can make you friends with many people in a bar - unfortunately it is mostly the unwanted jock kinds. It’s the price you pay for ingenuity.)

Guy1: “I’m at 0.07.”

Guy2: “Damn, I swear I was level 0.07 and then after the last jagerbomb shot, this effing unit says I’m a 0.06. I know a girl who swears by jagerbombs. I need to let her know its not alcohol, in fact its an alcohol killer.”

Guy1: “Hmm...I swear by Jagerbombs too. Maybe the units had its fair share of activity. These things were designed for the police to check random drivers, not hell bent drunkards, man. Have Glenn, this shit is nasty.”

Whether level 0.08 was reached is a matter of much speculation. The unit has since been acting drunk and refuses to wake up. We fear it beat us to level 0.12.

Disclaimer:- Identities of people have been changed to protect them from society by using generic terms such as guy, bartender and friends.


Pri said...

wooo hooo. yay you! i don't go out drinking anymore. i'm old and boring.

Impulsively Me said...


Alive, but not drunk! :(
Drunk, yet alive! :)

Have fun!


All ye wish said...


Funnyboy CrazyDiamond!

Aurora said...

I swear by Jaegerbombs too!!!! So not an alcohol killer. I heart.

CrazyDiamond said...

@pri - why does old always go hand in hand with boring?

@impulsively me - hain...

@all ye wish - we try. dirty job, but you know...

@aurora - dude, you're the "I know a girl who swears by jagerbombs".
Sigh, all those durians affecting you.

All ye wish said...

Oh of course, I'm guessing you're generously paid for keeping them all laughing. Goodjob!

Aurora said...

Arre. What can I do if I assumed you know more than one cool girl with good taste in alcohol! :P

2 weeks from today, friend. 2 weeks from today, we shall put this to the test. And I expect to win.